During the COVID pandemic lockdown, my brother and mother began a conversation about uncertainty. Sometimes it was a discussion, sometimes it was an argument. I wasn’t absent from these conversations, but I wasn’t there either. I was always there but only listening. I observed this intense exchange of opinions, feelings, plans, and projections from a distance. Through documentation, I found a way to avoid getting tangled in their emotions, while also letting go of some of the anxiety that came from being so close to the intensity of their relationship.
This film began with an audio recording in 2020, followed by a cinematography shot in 2021, and was edited in 2023. It traces a painful journey of personal growth, of looking inward and reflecting on the dynamics within an immigrant family living in the Midwest. Using the 2020 audio as a foundation, I filmed footage in 2021 outside the home, searching for a visual representation of the internal struggles happening inside the house of immigrants with young adults, and a working-class family. I spent long hours walking through a neighborhood that, though not mine, felt familiar—like home. It wasn’t my family’s home, but it captured a similar essence. In the space between my mental and physical distance, I experimented with juxtaposing these two elements: the visuals and the audio.
Looking back at the video now, it feels as if I’m hovering over the house, just as I was in those moments of conversation—listening in, questioning whether to intervene, unable to make a decision. But at the film’s conclusion, I step back and focus on the scenery, no longer looking inward. Maybe I gave up on listening, or perhaps I was relieved that the tension between them had subsided. But instead of looking back, I choose to shut down, to walk away—perhaps to move forward and begin my journey.